Shame

I remember 7th grade vividly. It was 1973 when I first heard the word fag and it was directed toward me. I was in gym class and I kept getting punched in the side by another boy. I don't remember doing anything to provoke this punching. He called me a fag. I don't think I even knew much about any kind of sexuality back then. To be honest, I don't think I even knew what fag meant - but I knew it wasn't good. Nevertheless, I didn't follow the 12 year old straight boy code of conduct and the punishment was being hit in the arm until I got a bruise. Funny how I remember that event to this day.

That day I definitely knew shame. Shame is a very powerful emotion and has many triggers. We can feel shame for something we have done. Or perhaps something we have said. Or even something we believe. But I wanted to spend some time with a kind of shame experienced by many gay and queer men. Most of us have a common experience, like my 7th grade lesson, in experiencing shame for who we are.

Feeling shame for something we've done can be (but is not always) a checkpoint to help us behave with integrity and honesty. On the other hand, feeling shame for who we are is completely different. We may try to run away from who we are, but we can't change our core nature. For example, the queer boy being shamed for being different will most likely spend some time trying to fit in and not be not so queer. But trying to change our core essence just doesn't work.

For many of us this time of denying our core essence is a short lived effort.  However others of us struggle for a longer time. I've worked with many men who have struggled with their sexuality. Some have married and had families as a way to deny their true selves. Others have tried religious life. Some of us spent years in denial. Many years later, we eventually find our true selves and acknowledge our sexuality. There are other strategies that I've seen shame this play out with gay and queer men.

The first strategy in dealing with this shame is complete denial. In this case the shame of being gay or queer is so intense that it is completely denied. This person lives as if they are not gay. The shame is alleviated by completely denying your true self. In many cases, this denial is exaggerated - often by hatred toward other gay and queer people. The problem is that denial of a feeling doesn't make the feeling go away. We've all seen cases of men (often politicians or other people of prominence) who are vehemently anti-gay getting caught with their pants down at the wrong time. Some of these men are in such denial that they continue to deny their true feelings even after getting caught!

Another strategy is the perfectionist. I'm real familiar with this one - I used this strategy for many years. In my case I told myself that I can 'make up' for being gay by leading the perfect life. I would have a better career than anyone in my family. I would have the best house. I would have the best car. My life would be in such perfect order that everyone would be envious of me and overlook the fact that I am gay.

Of course, the problem with this strategy is that nothing is perfect. I found myself getting stressed out by incredibly minor imperfections. More importantly, I found myself living my life to perpetuate this illusion of perfection - and, for me, perfection meant having lots of stuff. After some 20 years of living this way I'm learning the joys of letting go and giving myself permission to not have to be perfect. Some days it's easy to let go; other days I find that drive for perfection very strong.

For other men this perfectionism can take different forms. Keeping your body fit is a great activity. However, some men have been known to live in the gym and subject their body to dangerous activities in order to keep the 'perfect' body. Sometimes this drive for perfection gets in the way of our erotic enjoyment. We may hide our sexual side to maintain an illusion of perfection. There are many ways this can play out.

Another strategy is contempt toward others. I believe that this strategy is endemic in the gay and queer culture. Someone using this strategy holds themselves superior to everyone else in the same group. For example, when we hear others use derogatory terms toward other gays like 'He's such a bitter queen' or 'The way he behaves spoils it for the rest of us' there's a feeling of superiority over others. The objective with this strategy is to transfer to shame to another. In other words, 'I may be gay but at least I'm not a ...'

Sometimes this strategy means distancing yourself from others that you consider too blatant. It can mean trash talking everyone else. It can also mean having to have the 'right' clothes, the 'right boyfriend, the 'right body because that will show everyone how much better you are than them. This attitude can make it a challenge to have fulfilling connections.

All these strategies are a simplification of complex patterns of behavior; I've only just scratched the surface here. There's a lot more to explore about these strategies. Of course there are additional strategies that have consequences - dependence on alcohol and drugs comes to mind. But this is a subject is better reserved for another newsletter. My intention for bringing these examples up is for us to examine how shame impacts our lives. Where do we have our own ways of deflecting or denying shame for who we are? Does this deflection hurt others around us or isolate ourselves from community? Are we denying our true selves because of our shame? I invite you to begin to look at shame from a conscious perspective.

One of the first steps to coming out of shame is to recognize it. Call it for what it is. When we notice our defenses up or our buttons being pushed, take a moment and ask what's going on to cause these feelings. Often the things we have a hard time accepting in others is the same thing we have a hard time accepting in ourselves. Rather than judging how others behave (which we can't change) wouldn't it be more productive to look at our own behavior which we can change!

Having a spiritual practice is another step to look at shame in our lives. Perhaps it's setting aside time for meditation or a movement activity. Perhaps it's time in prayer. Perhaps it's time in mindful self-pleasuring. A daily practice helps us examine all aspects of our life - including how shame impacts us.

Changes

You've probably noticed an updated look to newsletter. I've also updated the website. The graphics are a bit easier to read, the flow is bit simpler and I've added some new information. Please check it out; I'd love to hear your comments.

My coaching practice has been expanding quite a bit lately. I'm really privileged to work with some amazing men. After reflection, I've decided to increase my over the phone coaching fee. I spent a lot of time deciding if I should raise the rate. Actually I was stuck on this decision so I asked for help from existing coaching clients; I really  appreciate the comments received. This process reminded me of the importance of asking for help.

I believe that this new fee better reflects the value of coaching and also reflects the significant investment I've made in training to be a professional coach. At the same time I'm also aware of the current economic challenges and want to make sure that coaching is within reach of anyone. Existing coaching clients will be able to enjoy the current, lower fee through the end of this year. I'm also happy to work with you to come up with a fee that works within your budget when coaching is clearly a priority in your life.

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Become a fan of Sacred Touch for Men on Facebook. I'm excited about using Facebook as another way to keep in touch with everyone!

Explore Energetic Healing

Monday August 3 is the next Mindful Self-Loving workshop at Heartwalker Studio in Oakland from 7:00 - 10:00 pm. Join us for conscious, open-hearted erotic education and practice, specifically focused on developing self-pleasuring skills for personal growth, self-awareness and spiritual evolution. The first half of the evening we'll explore some group exercises to focus on linking spirit and body. The second half of the evening will be a self-pleasuring ritual. This is a hands on, clothing off event and we work to create a safe space where everyone is welcome and comfortable. 18 and over; men only - being male is self defined. There's more information here.

The first Monday in September is Labor Day and we won't be meeting that evening! Our September gathering will be on Wednesday evening September 2 (before Labor Day) at the usual time.

Wildwood Men's Festival

The Wildwood Men's Festival will be on Friday September 18 through Sunday September 20. I'm working on the program this year and am very excited by what we're offering. We're planning on including sessions on Shamanic Journeying, Integrating Sex and Spirit, Massage 101 and many more. For the adventurous, we're also offering a day on the new Wildwood ropes course. This promises to be a great weekend to connect and I look forward to seeing you there!

Breathe!

Ed

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