I'm Not My Type

So many of us go through life feeling that we're undesirable. We look at ourselves in the mirror and conclude that no one could possibly find us attractive. I see this all the time when coaching men. While there are many factors that can contribute to this feeling, I believe that, for many of us who identify as gay or queer, it's because we make the mistaken assumption that everyone is attracted to the same 'type' that we're attracted to and we aren't that type.

Every time we look at ourselves in the mirror we see someone who we're not attracted to. We see a body type that is not our ideal. In many cases our body type is the opposite of what we're attracted to. The little guy wants the big guy. The smooth guy wants the hairy guy. We don't see how someone could be attracted to us because we're not.

When we believe this we have a hard time letting in interest from others. When someone we find attractive expresses an interest in us we question how this other rational, attractive person could have any interest in us. We're so focused on all our shortcomings that we assume everyone only sees those shortcomings too. Yet the reality is that no one is as hard on ourselves as we are. Maybe this other attractive person is attracted to you because you're just their type!

I've seen this in myself. For many years, I went through life ashamed of my body. I always felt too big, too fat. I didn't like the way my body looked. I was always attracted to thinner people and assumed that everyone was attracted to the same type and that I was undesirable. Later in life I realized that many people are attracted to larger men like me. I had friends tell me that people were checking me out and I was completely unaware of it because of my mistaken assumptions. It goes to prove that old adage that there's someone for everyone.

Understanding that other people find us attractive - regardless of how we feel about ourselves is a step toward coming to terms with our bodies. For every person who thinks they're too old there's someone looking for an older person. For every person who thinks they're too thin, there's someone looking for thin people.

The difficulty begins when we start to compare ourselves to cultural norms without realizing that those cultural norms change over time. It's not that long ago when the burly "Marlboro Man" type was all the rage. Now everyone is shaving everywhere! Tastes change and magic happens when we begin to see ourselves as worthy of desire along with everyone else!

Mindful Self Loving is Back!

After a brief pause, Mindful Self Loving is coming back in September and will be in San Francisco.

Join a circle of men for conscious, open-hearted erotic education and practice, specifically focused on exploring tantric masturbation skills. Masturbating in a group is definitely different than doing it alone. For some guys, the group can add to the experience, other guys may be a bit shy about the experience. Many men find that a group encourages each other to let go of preconceived notions and connect on a different level.

Using a combination of group and individual activities, we will explore tantric masturbation. We'll begin by exploring ourselves in our own space. As the arousal level increases, we'll begin to safely interact with each other - primarily by eye contact and sharing our increased arousal. This isn't a traditional sex club scene; I entourage everyone to interact with everyone. There's no need to 'shop' around looking for someone to partner up with. It's more about experiencing how sharing our intense arousal can further add to your experience!

The next circle forms on Monday September 20!

Join us on the third Monday of each month at Eros, which is located at 2051 Market St.; San Francisco, CA 94114. Eros is across from Safeway supermarket, and between Church & Dolores Streets. BART riders can transfer to MUNI at the Civic Center station and exit at the Church street station. We'll meet from 6:30 to 9:00PM. The doors open at 6:00. This is a sexually explicit event including nudity and hands-on practices. Please bring a towel. Massage oil will be available; if you prefer another lube, please bring what you like.

Enjoy!

Ed

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