Recently I spent a wonderful weekend in the country with a good friend for a weekend of writing. While rummaging around my friend’s library my attention was drawn to Autopornography, written by Scott O’Hara (link is NSFW) – a gay porn performer in the 80’s and early 90’s.

The book was an easy and mildly entertaining read of the life of guy in porn. Of course during the time period of this man's story you couldn't ignore AIDS. The author was unapologetic about living with AIDS. He died in 1998. The book reminded me of how significant AIDS was during that time. Reading this book made me realize how much I have forgotten about how bad things really were back then.

This time effected me profoundly. I moved to San Francisco in 1982. I wanted to get away from my family and learn more about myself. Of course, once I got here the party was over and the dark times were just beginning. Paradoxically I forgot yet vividly remember how I felt waking up Castro Street in the early and mid 80’s and noting the significant numbers of men in wheelchairs or using canes. I’m glad that times have changed.

Shortly after arriving in the SF area, I also started attending the Gay/Lesbian Student group at Stanford. This group of people was the first time that I publicly called myself gay and really helped me in my coming out process. I met some wonderful people there and this group gave me hope compared to the backdrop of sickness I saw. One of the guys there was Jack Foster who became a very good friend. A few years later he changed his name to Beowulf Thorne.

Beowulf was mentioned in Scott’s autobiography. Seeing his name got me thinking a lot about him - I had forgotten about him for so long. I wanted to look him up to find out where he was now. I found that Beowulf died of AIDS in 1999. I remember Beowulf and his incredible dark wit. We both enjoyed love of science fiction and spent many weekends watching dark science fiction together. We took divergent paths later in the 80’s and lost touch with each ohter. In my research I found that Beowulf published Diseased Pariah News in the 90’s and used his dark wit to confront what was, at that time, almost certain death.

Reading about his death – albeit so long ago - got me thinking about why I’m still here after all these years. I was certainly no virgin. So much of what we take for granted now about HIV and AIDS was completely unknown back then. If my cards were only slightly different, I could be dead by now too. But why not? Why am I still here?

I find it interesting that I'm asking these questions 25 years later. I don’t have survivor’s guilt. Rather I’m just aware of what is. I have a strong sense that whatever I’m here for is not yet complete. I'm struck by the little and not so little transformations that happen in my work. I'm aware that I have many questions and yet I also have much clarity.

I’m also aware of the importance of asking important questions – even if we never get the answer. Perhaps part of the answer is to live consciously. Be aware of the choices we make and live life to the fullest. I’m also aware that sometimes it's hard to live that way when the mundane particles of life get in the way. Then again, there are those moments of clarity when everything becomes revealed – if only for an instant. In the meantime I am thinking much more consciously about life and what I should be doing - even if it's just enjoying the day.

Thank you, Beowulf, for being in my life at that important time.

Be well,
Ed

Mindful Self-Loving will not be meeting in April since I'll be away in New York at the time. We will resume on May 16 at Eros in San Francisco at 6:30.

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